Little Hope Left for Scotland's Survival

There is an hypothesis, which gains currency with every passing day, that the best, brightest, and boldest of those born in the United Kingdom left long ago for pastures greener in North America, Australia, New Zealand, and anywhere elsewhere.

And, of course, very many of Great Britain's best, brightest, and boldest sacrificed their lives in World Wars I and II, thereby draining the British genetic pool of its creamy top.

Upshot: with a few notable exceptions, Britain is today peopled by submissive, palms-out morons governed by an alliance of poltroons and buffoons.

Scotland seems determined to surpass what passes for progressive thought and governance in its southern neighbors, England and Wales. Ample examples exist to illustrate this fact, and each new day brings to light additional examples, many vying to be more extreme than the others.

Fox News reports (and I decided to post this post as a result) the following:

Domestic Violence

Vince Hogg of Wormit, Scotland was arrested after tearing out the hair of his live-in girlfriend and slamming her against a wall.

The two apparently have had a stormy relationship and he became incensed because a leaky shower was causing the carpet to get wet.

All of this has caused Hogg problems with his job, as an anger management counselor.

But Hogg is still on the payroll of the National Health Service, which runs the "zero tolerance campaign" against domestic violence, where he worked.

Hogg was, however, demoted and reassigned.

Well, fellow travelers, there's not much to add, except a tear and a sigh from those of us sad to see the sinking of a once so great society.

Yours 'til next I wake,

Lord Lunch, Hamsammich Castle, Worcestershiresauce, England

Scientists Find Oldest Living Animal — Then Kill It

This is really a "no commenter" blog-wise. But I just had to post it, because of the headline:

British marine biologists have found what may be the oldest living animal — that is, until they killed it.

The team from Bangor University in Wales was dredging the waters north of Iceland as part of routine research when the unfortunate specimen, belonging to the clam species Arctica islandica, commonly known as the ocean quahog, was hauled up from waters 250 feet deep.

Only after researchers cut through its shell, which made it more of an ex-clam, and counted its growth rings did they realize how old it had been — between 405 and 410 years old.

Another clam of the same species had been verified at 220 years old, and a third may have lived 374 years. But this most recent clam was the oldest yet.

"Its death is an unfortunate aspect of this work, but we hope to derive lots of information from it," postdoctoral scientist Al Wanamaker told London's Guardian newspaper. "For our work, it's a bonus, but it wasn't good for this particular animal."

This article was lifted from FoxNews.com by Lord Lunch.

The Height of Ludicricity

There is a gem of a quote in Jack Shafer's Slate column October 18th. It's one of those quotes you (meaning me) wish you had had the wit to utter.

The column, entitled The Churchillian Side of Chris Matthews (in which Shafer blisters the thick skin off Matthews's hind-end), cites Vanity Fair's James Wolcott, a man "who appreciates the talents [of Chris Matthews]." In his 2004 book, Attack Poodles and Other Media Mutants, Wolcott writes:

Matthews manages to outrace his contradictory statements by blustering so many excitable things so fast and so often that pinning down the discrepancies is like trying to grab a gust of wind by the tail. He isn't a cynical dissembler. He seems to suffer from some pundit variant of short-term memory loss. Each day on earth erases the days before. He says what he believes and believes what he says, and has the liberating advantage of always working from a blank sheet.

Come to think of it, Matthews is a gust of wind.

- Lord Lunch

Hamsammich Castle, Worcestershiresauce, England

Why Al Really Won the 'Peace Prize'

Your Lordship (moi) takes great pleasure in providing (below) an illuminating excerpt from Adamant wherein the always delightfully perceptive Russell Seitz peels away the p.r. puffery and reveals the hokum that is the Nobel Peace Prize.

- Lord Lunch, Hamsammich Castle, Worcestershiresauce, England

The method of electing the [Nobel Peace Prize] winner ensures a political outcome. Other Nobel prizes are assigned by committees of experts in the orbit of the Swedish Academy of Science, but the Peace Prize winner is determined by a committee reflecting the current strength of Norwegian political parties. Were Norway's anti-immigrant Progress Party to gain a majority, the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize might well be Pat Buchanan.

Will The 2008 Nobel Peace Prize Go To Pat Buchanan ?

The five members of the parliamentary committee to whom Democrat Gore owes his prize include three drawn from the Socialist Left, Labour, and Progressive parties forming Norway's ruling coalition, and one Conservative - a former Minister of Trade. Little wonder Francis Sejersted, past chairman of the committee, admits:

“Awarding a peace prize is, to put it bluntly, a political act.”

And all politics is local. None of the other worthy Peace Prize nominees one might list, from Burmese monks to the embattled opponents of tyranny in Uzbekistan and Zimbabwe, can increase the value of Norway's oil and gas reserves. Giving a prize that amplifies the credibility of the world's foremost advocate of carbon taxes most assuredly can.

Investing $750,000 in Al's power to pontificate on behalf of his carbon trading business could pay Norway and OPEC handsomely. The return could exceed a million to one, since Al's crusade to double coal's cost by taxation should translate into far higher prices for the lower carbon North Sea oil and gas that are the mainstay of the Norwegian economy. Oslo stands to gain hundreds of billions of Euros on its multi-billion barrel reserves, a truly extraordinary return on a one kilogram disc of gold.

So my congratulations to Mr. Gore, and kudos to the Oslo committee, whom I hereby place in nomination for the Nobel Prize in Economics for awarding the Peace Prize to Al.

Their decision is in the best Viking fiscal tradition, but avoids the recrimination that so often attends rapine, pillage, looting and burning. Especially the last -- nowadays, a Viking's loot might not cover his carbon offsets.

Search for Kidnapped US Soldier in Iraq Delayed 10 Hours by FISA Law

And Democrats in Congress are determined to extend that law in a vote later this week.

Excerpt from the New York Post, Oct. 15, 2007:

Sometime before dawn, heavily armed al Qaeda gunmen quietly cut through the tangles of concertina wire surrounding the outpost of two Humvees and made a massive and coordinated surprise attack.

Four of the soldiers were killed on the spot and three others were taken hostage.

A search to rescue the men was quickly launched. But it soon ground to a halt as lawyers - obeying strict U.S. laws about surveillance - cobbled together the legal grounds for wiretapping the suspected kidnappers.

Starting at 10 a.m. on May 15, according to a timeline provided to Congress by the director of national intelligence, lawyers for the National Security Agency met and determined that special approval from the attorney general would be required first.

For an excruciating nine hours and 38 minutes, searchers in Iraq waited as U.S. lawyers discussed legal issues and hammered out the "probable cause" necessary for the attorney general to grant such "emergency" permission.

Finally, approval was granted and, at 7:38 that night, surveillance began.

"The intelligence community was forced to abandon our soldiers because of the law," a senior congressional staffer with access to the classified case told The Post.

"How many lawyers does it take to rescue our soldiers?" he asked. "It should be zero."

The FISA law applies even to a cellphone conversation between two people in Iraq, because those communications zip along wires through U.S. hubs, which is where the taps are typically applied.

U.S. officials had no way of knowing if Jimenez and his fellow soldiers were still alive during the nearly 10-hour delay.

The body of one was found a few weeks later in the Euphrates River and the terror group Islamic State of Iraq - an al Qaeda offshoot - later claimed in a video that Jimenez and the third soldier had been executed and buried.

I say there ought to be a law! Oh, wait . . . .

Tennessee law enforcement is a smoke screen for fascism

Tennessee Department of Revenue agents are under orders to stop Tennessee motorists who have in their vehicles "large quantities of cigarettes" purchased out of state.

How will the 'Revenooers' know the cigs were purchased out of state? Easy-peasey.

Tennessee is dispatching under-cover agents to stake out stores selling cigarettes along interstate highways near the Tennessee border. When an agent spots someone with Tennessee tags buying cigarettes 'in volume' at a store in any one of the eight states bordering Tennessee, a radio call is made to a revenue officer who stops the car when it enters Tennessee.

And what happens then?

The stoppee, the schmuck whose car is weighted down with "large quantities of cigarettes," is arrested for bringing untaxed cigarettes into the state.

What is a large quantity of cigarettes, exactly?

More than two cartons, exactly. Namely, two cartons and one pack.

Toting untaxed cigarettes exceeding two cartons in measure is a Class B misdemeanor, punishable by up to six months in the pokey and/or a $500 fine.

Oh, a further little punishment may also be meted out, entirely at the arresting officer's discretion. Vehicles used to transport more than two cartons may be seized, since they are deemed contraband.

Now, you can bring up to 24 cartons and 9 packs into the state and get off with six months in the pokey, a fine of $500 bucks, and perhaps see your brand new used Buick hauled away to the auctioneer. But if you cross that "Welcome to Tennessee" line with just one pack more, 25 cartons in toto, you'll wish you were an illegal alien instead of a poor sap who likes his 'backy.

Bringing 25 or more cartons into Tennessee is a Class E felony. The punishment is a minimum of one year in prison (the maximum is six years) plus a fine of up to $3,000.

And, agents have been ordered to seize any vehicle carrying more than 25 cartons of cigarettes without Tennessee tax stamps.

Why has cigarette transport into Tennessee become a matter for the Gestapo?

On July 21, Tennessee’s cigarette tax jumped 40 cents, to 62 cents per pack. All eight states bordering Tennessee have lower tax rates, ranging from 17 cents in Missouri upwards. That means one carton (10 packs) is $4.50 cheaper in Missouri. Twenty-five cartons purchased in the Show Me state saves someone from the Volunteer State $112.50.

Is there, Dear Reader, a lesson to be drawn from this dreary dispatch? You betchum.

Proving Colombia University's Bollinger is a fool (as if proof were needed)

This news report from the Islamic Republic News Agency is quoted verbatim to demonstrate the damage done by Columbia's propaganda gift to Mahmoud Bonaparte.

Columbia President Lee Bollinger (who allows no ROTC on campus, nor steps forward to defend conservatives who are denied the same privilege enjoyed by the Iranian snipe) felt pressured to show his manhood by spitting a few verbal poniards at the guest speaker. But Mahmoud got what he wanted.

Glimpse the following report and ponder: jihadists must be heartened to know their little hero plays so well among the American rabble, er, elitists. And jihadists so heartened are less inhibited in their plans against the USA.

So, without further huffery puffery, here follows what jihadists throughout the Islamic world will read as they butter their breakfast muffins this morning.

- Lord Lunch, Hamsammich Castle, Worcestershiresauce, England

Despite entire US media objections, negative propagation and hue and cry in recent days over IRI President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's scheduled address at Colombia University, he gave his lecture and answered students questions here on Monday afternoon.

On second day of his entry in New York, and amid standing ovation of the audience that had attended the hall where the Iranian President was to give his lecture as of early hours of the day, Ahmadinejad said that Iran is not going to attack any country in the world.

Before President Ahamadinejad's address, Colombia University Chancellor in a brief address told the audience that they would have the chance to hear Iran's stands as the Iranian President would put them forth.

He said that the Iranians are a peace loving nation, they hate war, and all types of aggression.

Referring to the technological achievements of the Iranian nation in the course of recent years, the president considered them as a sign for the Iranians' resolute will for achieving sustainable development and rapid advancement.

The audience on repeated occasion applauded Ahmadinejad when he touched on international crises.

At the end of his address President Ahmadinejad answered the students' questions on such issues as Israel, Palestine, Iran's nuclear program, the status of women in Iran and a number of other matters.

IRI President addresses students at Colombia University - Irna

A Distasteful Foretaste of HillaryCare

Wife gets apology over dying cancer patient's 8-month wait to see doctor

Lyndsay Moss - The Scotsman (lmoss@scotsman.com)

HEALTH bosses have been told to apologize to the wife of a cancer patient who was left waiting eight months to see a doctor.

Pauline Cheasley said her late husband Maurice's follow-up appointment was canceled twice by Stirling Royal Infirmary. When he was finally seen by a doctor, he was told his cancer was inoperable. He died eight months later, in March last year.

I'm With That Cuban Guy On This

That young feller, Mark Cuban, articulated my own thoughts perzactly. I would say he must have plagiarized me, except I don't remember ever putting quill to parchment on this matter. I should have. Now he gets all the credit. Here's what Cuban had to say in his blog September third:

What I would love to see is a candidate who says he/she is going to start removing laws and programs. Give me a candidate who's primary platform is to spend 4 years removing federal programs and laws. If it was a law or program worth anything the states or local municipalities will find much more creative ways to make them work.

I know its far easier said than done, but could it be any harder to remove an existing law or program than it would be to define, develop and implement another on top of what we already have in place ? Our government is so big, getting it to move in any direction is an incredibly difficult thing to do.

So if you want my vote in 2008, don't tell me what you are going to add, tell me what you are going to remove. Tell me how you are going to simplify the government. That's how you get my vote.

Jail for Fixing up His Property

Herewith a cautionary tale of letting Democrats rule unchecked. It comes from the Daily Breeze ("LAX to L.A. Harbor") in California.

Methinks, me friends, it's time for Conservatives to take up the cry: "Power to the People."

For Democrats, the cry is: "Power to the Government."

-Lunch

Man Gets Jail Time for Property Fixes

He built a fence, a retaining wall, a patio and a few concrete columns to decorate his driveway, and now Francisco Linares is going to jail for it.

By Megan Bagdonas
Staff Writer Daily Breeze August 28, 2007

Francisco Linares had been given six months to get final permits for the offending structures or remove them as part of a plea agreement reached in January, when he pleaded no contest to five misdemeanor counts of violating the Rolling Hills Estates building code.

On Monday, Torrance Superior Court Judge Sandra Thompson chastised the Farmers Insurance district manager for not completing what he agreed to do in January, then handed him the maximum sentence without possibility of house arrest or probation.

"I'm not scared," Linares said about spending time in jail. "It's just very unfair."

Richard Hamar, Linares' attorney, said he has never heard of anything like this.

"We're talking about fixing a fence that was on city property," he said. "He didn't build a Las Vegas casino. You put a guy in jail for six months because he repaired the city fence?"

The 51-year-old bought the nearly 1-acre property in 1998. After building a 3,000-square-foot French-style home, he began landscaping.

When Linares asked the city to repair the white three-railed fence behind his house, he was told it was on his property and his responsibility. So he replaced the termite-infested planks himself. Then the city reversed itself and said Linares had illegally built the fence on city property.

In October 2004, the city charged Linares with three misdemeanors: for not taking down the fence, having a retaining wall built higher than a 2-foot restriction and for erecting stone columns without a neighborhood compatibility analysis. Later inspections found eight other violations, including a lack of permits for plumbing and grading.

"He's had a couple of years to correct the problems," said Dean Pucci, a Fullerton attorney contracted as the city's prosecutor.

Linares lives in the house with his wife and three daughters. He contends that he didn't remove the structures because he believed the permits would be approved.

At the sentencing, Hamar said his client was a good Christian man who has never committed a crime and who worked diligently - 142 hours - to try to resolve the issues with the city.

And the only reason he was not able to complete the stipulations of the plea agreement, he said, was because of the city's confusing building codes and negligence in rendering a decision on his permit applications.

"We established that he did everything that was humanly possible to comply. And the un-rebutted evidence is that (the city) hasn't ruled on the permits," Hamar said. "To … do something as harsh as put a good man in jail for six months, you got to look at the impact on society. What will society gain if you put this man in jail?"

The prosecutor, however, said, "In virtually every city in every county a violation of the municipal code is a crime." [NB: In virtually every city in every county a violation of the municipal code is a civil matter, not "a crime." - Lunch]

Hamar said he plans to appeal.

"I'm praying that there will be an appeal and that my dad won't be sentenced to jail," said daughter Vanessa Linares, 18. "My dad is the backbone of our family. How would we be able to hold up if he's not here?"

http://www.blogger.com/megan.bagdonas@dailybreeze.com

I Just KNEW It Was Them Damn Meese All Along

GLOBAL WARMING FEARS

NB: The following news item is from Germany's Der Spiegel, so we mustn't quibble if it's dribble. Just eat your peas and shut up, bitte.

- Lord Lunch

Norway's Moose Population in Trouble for Belching

The poor old Scandinavian moose is now being blamed for climate change, with researchers in Norway claiming that a grown moose can produce 2,100 kilos of carbon dioxide a year -- equivalent to the CO2 output resulting from a 13,000 kilometer car journey.

DPA - Now poor moose are being blamed for global warming.

Norway is concerned that its national animal, the moose, is harming the climate by emitting an estimated 2,100 kilos of carbon dioxide a year through its belching and farting.

Norwegian newspapers, citing research from Norway's technical university, said a motorist would have to drive 13,000 kilometers in a car to emit as much CO2 as a moose does in a year.

Bacteria in a moose's stomach create methane gas which is considered even more destructive to the environment than carbon dioxide gas. Cows pose the same problem (more...).

Norway has some 120,000 moose but an estimated 35,000 are expected to be killed in this year's moose hunting season, which starts on September 25, Norwegian newspaper VG reported.

Perfect Transport Solution for Those 'That Care'

We know environmentalists often ride bicycles and I can see why bicycles suit them. The bicyclist is the exalte' of the road. The bicyclist is neither a pedestrian nor a driver. He cycles where he damn well wants to, on the sidewalk or on the street. He flashes by with his posterior in the air. Neither stop signs nor speed limits impede him -- and he is environmentally beneficent. Automobiles have to give him a wide berth and pedestrians leap aside as he pedals past. Environmentalists adore bicycles.

So the bicycle seems to be the ultimate green vehicle.

Yet I have yet another environmentally friendly vehicle to commend to our Democratic friends. Consider the Pogo Stick. It would certainly keep the candidates in the news. It is as independent of fossil fuel as the bicycle and frankly a hell of a lot of fun. Hillary would be a tremendous hit on a Pogo Stick and all the other candidates would dutifully follow. It would put bounce into their campaigns. The Secret Service might fear for the effectiveness of its officers, but what the hell. We are talking about preventing environmental nightmare. I pass on.

Excerpted from musings of R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr.

Idiot Watch

I Declare . . . This Makes Me Upchuck!

Legal News from Scotsman.com News

AN INDEPENDENT THINKER

LORD (Angus) Glennie, 56, a Cambridge graduate, has shown a strong independence of mind since being elevated to the Bench in 2005.

He gave early indications of being his own man when faced with one of his first criminal cases. A man accused of serious assault had jumped bail and failed to turn up for trial. It took police more than three years to trace him. Lord Glennie agreed with defence lawyers the man's right to have the case heard within a reasonable time had been violated by the delay, and ended the prosecution.

-- August 22, 2007 The Scotsman.com News

Bloody Hell!

Copyright collectives!

Ya' need 'em in this the 'biz of music. But their time in the sun has been too long. Most of them have turned more than a bit rum, if you get my drift, which you would if you snift. An unrefrigerated carcass is a devil-made thing to lure our guild's buzzards and vultures to hell.

Big Reform is the order of the day. And another day, when my man Bix is around to top my glass, I'll expound.

(Damme, I gave Bix the week to bask at Clacton-on-Sea -- a stretch of Essex sand set aside for calloused classes -- forgetting I gave him a week last March for a legover at the Union of British Gentlemen's Gentlemen do in Blackpool. Two weeks holiday in one year! I shall remember come Boxing Day. His old mum down Ealing way shall have to be content with a phone call this year.)

Where was I?

Yes, copyright collectives. I refer to MCPS / PRS / BMI / ASCAP/ SESAC / PPL / VPL / JLO (and so on through the alphabet ad infinitum) - the lot that levies royalties (e.g. taxes on the little people) o/b/o those of us touched by the creative muse.

Admittedly, I'm provincial. Oh, staunchly pro-Empire, don't get me wrong. But a Little Englander when it comes to fretting about fuss and feathers flying beyond my own bailiwick, Hamsammich Castle and environs. Hence, doings in lesser colonies, like Canada, sometime elude.

Parenthetically, I am awake to copyright matters in America. One must be awake to what happens there, for the self-styled USA is our noisiest colony.

(As my peers of long standing know and applaud, I DO NOT accept the legality of rebellion against the Crown, and therefore view America's claim to independence as a childish fantasy we must tolerate 'til they outgrow it.)

Where am I? Ah.

So, Bix-lessly I browse my reading matter today, turning pages myself, and stumble across dear Michael Geist's blog. (He's that bright young Canadian solicitor who dabbles in thinking, unlike most of his breed.)

In his most excellent post (in which I was horrified to learn the Canadian Copyright Board thinks to defy a contrary ruling from the Court of Appeal and levy a C$75 tax on the sale of every I-Pod to benefit so few to the detriment of so many), he says the following:

The copyright collective system was designed to pave the way for paying creators and facilitating access to copyrighted works. With 34 Canadian copyright collectives, a prohibitively expensive litigation process that excludes many interested parties, price-distorting fees such as the private copying levy, questions about the fairness of royalty distribution, and a Copyright Board that seemingly places its views above the courts, changes to the system appear to be long overdue

Source: Michael Geist - Ipod Levy May Yet Face The Music

Thirty-four copyright collectives? !!! !!! ??? !!!

Are they daft? Are there that many Creative Canadians?

What is this vast but barely populated hodge-podge of amusingly named provinces doing with 34 bloody copyright collectives?

Where is Mrs. Thatcher when we need her?

I'd go on, dear reader, but I'm drained. You know how tiresome it is when the servants are below (or at Clacton!) having their crust, those hallowed times when manners and custom dictate we daren't disturb them.

So, 'til next I stir, toodles.

Lord Lunch

Hamsammich Castle

Worcestershiresauce, England

Yo, Bush! What Makes You Tick?

Whatever it is manages to tick a lot of folks off.

Maybe the problem is Bush doesn't tick at all. His mechanism is rusted, crusted, and busted.

1. The President should have pardoned Libby before this travesty ever went to trial. He didn't, and, amongst his approvers, his poll ratings slipped faster than that dancing woman can twirl round her pole at the Satin Slipper Supper Club across the state line yonder.

2. Then, after Special Persecutor Patrick Nifong Fitzgerald got Libby convicted in a 'trial' comparable to the Spanish Inquisition, Bush continued to let Libby writhe in hell and public torment.

3. So now, after the US Prison Service has assigned Libby an inmate number and his bags are packed for Federal Prison Camp Kickhiminthepoo, Bush COMMUTES the sentence!

4. He Commutes(!) the Sentence? Predictably, every Democrat and media mugger pastes over Nixon's photo with GW Bush's, while mumbling hoodoo voodoo incantations that they hope will cause Bush's thingy to fall off in his sleep.

5. There is no hell Bush could catch that he isn't already catching if he had Pardoned Libby! Dammit.

6. Oh well, small favors accepted, the prison sentence is commuted. But Libby is bankrupt, has been slimed and maligned for nearly 3 years, owes another $250,000 in fines, is on probation for 2.5 years, loses his law license (and livelihood), and is forever a convicted criminal.

7. Virtually no one with Constituional grounding (i.e. literacy) is happy. Indeed, a vast number (if not all) Republicans are pretty steamed. Just not as steamed as Democrats. Bush is an equal-opportunity-dumb-decision-decider.

And what, pray, does Special Pee Patrick Nifong Fitzgerald have to say? This:

Associated Press - July 2, 2007 10:23 PM ET
WASHINGTON (AP) -

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald [disputes] President Bush's assertion that the 30-month prison sentence given to former White House aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby was "excessive."

Further, he mumbled, Libby's sentence was comparable to that meted out to other "criminals." Which is to say, if Paris Hilton goes to the Pokey, why so then does . . .

Mark Levin's Absolutely Smashing Idea

But Cheerrup! The Great One a.k.a. Attorney Mark Levin can't be beat for brilliance and entertainment, no matter how low we go.

Were he President Bush, said Levin, he would call a press conference to announce the pardon of Libby AND Bill Clinton. They were both convicted of the same crime, don't you know – lying to a grand jury and obstruction of justice.

Had Bush done that, his Conservative base would have forgiven all, especially since the entire Democrat party and its media-wringing handmaidens would permanently paralyze themselves with hate-induced flutters, vapors, and deprivation of oxygen to the brain. Sealed off from society in their padded cells, these tantrumous gargoyles could never again annoy us.

Yours truly,
Lord Lunch
Hamsammich Castle
Worcestershiresauce, England

How Revolting!

CRB's Asinine Webcaster Rate Endangers Entire Music Industry

Are Copyright Royalty Judges educated men or mere motley-minded, brainless barnacles scraped from the rotting bottom of a Cornish fisherman?

The question begs thoughtful ponder in wake of the three stooges, er, judges’ diktat crucifying Internet radio on a cross of gold.

The Copyright Royalty Board’s shameful edict, should it stand, portends universal mammocking of copyright statutes entire. Why, forsooth, should any moiety of copyright law command respect when miscreated regulatory rulings make a mockery of the copyright concept itself?

Indeed, when a confiscatory regulation crafted by contemptible coo-coos in cahoots with maggot-infested magpies has the force of statutory law, the entire statute deserves public disdain. Without qualm or compunction, the nation will scorn, ignore, and disregard all provisions of the Copyright Act.

This is War!

My Lords, Ladies, and all who toil in the music industry’s withering vineyards, mistake me not: the Copyright Royalty Board’s “Judges” have not merely decreed an absurdly burdensome royalty requirement on webcasters; they have literally declared war on us all.

The death knell of a relatively small but promising sector of our industry foretells a coming plague picking us off house by house.

But take heart. The self-satisfied smirks adorning RIAA Ayatollahs and brass asses reigning over the less than one handful of major labels shall be short-lived. Highborn priests think they themselves to be, but brains have been bred out of them all.

Disciples of Ned Ludd

Witness: the RIAA’s cruel crusade against young babes and old maids alienates millions while achieving naught. Unauthorized copyright downloading grows by leaps and bounds. Never mind. The RIAA’s misbegotten Luddist policy continues as we watch their ludicrous attempt to herd 1,000s of jumping frogs.

And their attack-attack tack, I foreglimpse, shall do for them what a hornet’s nest whacked by a stout cricket bat does for the whacker.

Should the self-anointed aristocracy succeed (they won’t) in suppressing the smelly class (the yeomen, the scullions, chimneysweeps, stable boys, and chamber pot makers - anyone with an independent streak, entrepreneurial spirit, and creative energy), the rarified air reserved for his nibs's executive suites shall grow thin, stale, then putrid with the smell of rotting carcasses – their own.

1776 and All That

The judicial Pharisees would be well advised to examine the informative leaves of history for a sense of what they may have wrought. Particularly should they linger in those chapters retailing the rebellious rumblings of His Majesty’s Yankee subjects 230 years ago.

And as they ruminate on the subject of how past is prologue, yon judges should heed the thunderous garboil emanating from wounded webcasters, for they shan’t be long alone.

Nay, I venture their plaints shall become a clarion call, summoning the masses to rally to their cause. And rally the masses shall, for ancestral bravery and American instinct for justice comprise the DNA of all citizens whose overburdened backs are bent to breaking under the weight of taxes imposed willy-nilly by unelected mollycoddles.

Men of stout hearts, feathered headdresses, and rouge-daubed faces shall figuratively board a symbolic trader in Boston Harbor. Into the sea shall they cast offending chests of tea rather than submit to insultuous taxes clapped thereupon by fatuous placemen of fartuous character.

Viva La Cucaracha

I call upon every member of every sector of our industry to show steadfast solidarity with webcasters large and small.

Our planet has suffered calamities wiping out entire species, but one creature has always managed to survive. That indestructible creature is of course the lowly and despised cockroach. And lowly and despised is how the RIAA and their CRB lackeys view us, thee and me.

All right then!

So be it. Let us henceforth assume the mantle of those ancient beings – The Cockroaches.

Let us affix an emblem of the same wherever appropriate on our daily dress, as a badge of inspirational honor, a sign of invincibility.

Lettuce march arm in arm, armed to the teeth with the might of right, carrying high the unfurled and proudly flapping flag of that indestructible creature, the cockroach.

Chunk us our gauntlets in the cretinous faces of those who deign to exterminate us.

Lock arms brothers and sisters! Surge forward! Over the River Rubicon of No Return go we. United in sheer numbers, the bastards we shall overwhelm.

And, like our namesake, we too shall prevail.

Lord Lunch
Hamsammich Castle
Worcestershiresauce, England